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5 Keys to Settling Marital Conflict
by Mother Nurture
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2005
I'm sick of fighting! Enrico and I love each other, but wow do we
argue, especially since having children. Help!
No doubt about it, marital squabbles and even ugly fights usually
increase after children come along. The causes are painfully
familiar
to us all: sleep deprivation, little time for oneself, feeling let
down, vicious cycles of finger-pointing, the in-laws, etc. etc. We
certainly fought more frequently and intensely after having kids
than
ever before.
To solve these problems - and maintain an intact family
in which to raise precious children - we've found five key
methods.
They're not glib, they're not a TV sound bite, but they're the
real
deal. Try them yourself - and see if you can get your spouse to go
along.
Here they are:
• Personal Well-Being - By taking better care of
yourself, you'll be able to take better care of your partner, and
have a cooler, clearer head in quarrels. This means really doing
the
fundamentals: protein with every meal, good vitamin supplements
(please see our book if you have any questions), sleep as an
extremely high priority, personal stress relief practices, and the
support of good friends and family.
• The 80-20 Rule - Put 80% of your energy into how you
can be a better mate, and just 20% on how he/she could be less of
a
jerk. You have little power to change your partner, but great
power
to change yourself. Take maximum personal responsibility for
whatever
is true in your partner's complaints, and then unilaterally make
appropriate changes. That will make you feel good about yourself,
give you the best odds of getting better behavior from your mate,
and
put you on the high moral ground.
• Empathy - Try to get inside your partner's skin,
sensing the being behind the words - and ask firmly for the same.
Isn't that why you married each other, that you felt deeply known
and
listened to? Being empathic doesn't mean you agree or approve or
let
someone off the hook, just that you understand. And when you
understand, you're more able to address what's really at stake for
the other person. And when you feel understood, you're more
willing
to get to the heart of the matter and make peace.
• Solutions Focus - Go after what would make things
better from now on rather than argue about the past. Be honest
with
yourself: what are you up to, making a case for why you're right,
or
making things better in your relationship? Pick a topic and stick
with it without jumping around. Then make realistic agreements,
keep
them, and move on.
• Loving At Will - Life is hard for all of us, and we
all
suffer in a variety of ways, so each of us is called to bring
compassion and lovingkindness to other people - even the person
we're
married to! This both makes us quietly happy and helps the world be
a
better place. While love may not be top of mind in the midst of a
nutty day, any one of us can use the will to reach down inside and
pull up a little love. Giving it ennobles us, lifts our own heart,
brings dignity and self-respect . . . and often kindles a fire of
love in return.
*******
(Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson, M.S.,
L.Ac., is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a
daughter and son, ages 14 and 17. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they
are the first and second authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s
Guide
to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by
Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email
them with questions or comments at
info@nurturemom.com;
unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)
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